boundaries
where do we get them?
Your home or property has a boundary. It could be walls, a fence, a front door, security door, sliding door, lockable or not, in good condition or poor, fit for purpose, perhaps a moat…. or not… and so it goes…
It’s fair to say it is most likely external, but is that the best place for a personal boundary to be?
Do you even have boundaries?
How do you know?
Do you really know where your boundaries lie… do you need to know all the ins and outs, or is there something else going on?
Do we need to install metaphoric fences and moats around our being to keep unwanted influences out?
And then maintain then, uphold the integrity of the ‘fence’ which is likely to take so much time and effort that we rarely if ever get to enjoy what it is that we are holding so precious and dear within these walls of our own making.
Sounds like a whole lot of energy expenditure, busy work and power plays…
As a young child, this is more or less what we all learnt to do, at one point it was what we needed to do. Initially we are an extension of our parents and they provided the boundary, the defences, the protection.
Around 3yrs of age, we come to realise that we are our own separate being. This also means we are not necessarily under the protection of our parents any more.
So we do what was done - we build externally oriented protection & boundaries - fences, walls, behaviours, belief systems - to keep the bad guys out so to speak. And keep ourselves safe. We may hold onto mum and dad’s versions, regardless of how well they worked for us ( or didn’t work for us - our brain will always seek safety in the known, especially in our young formative years).
We might also take on the opposite - a clear reaction ‘against’.
What we do create will be heavily influenced by our life experiences - what we have been taught we need, and what we have been ‘taught’ about who and how we are.
These traits and behaviours become entangled with who-we-think-we-are as our sense of self is developing at the same time. This can then create the issue for us that if and when we come to find that those boundaries and self protection strategies aren’t needed any more, we cant let them go because we have defined ourselves through them.
There is simply no known way for us to let them go and a) feel safe or b) retain a solid sense of self.
That is danger right there Will Robinson, at least as far as your nervous system is concerned and all safety protocols will be engaged! Regardless of effectiveness or appropriateness. In fact failure is more likely to have you try again than try something different as this is so primal in your psyche.
And what ever happened to ‘You’ in all this??
A new fence isn’t going to help - its time to look inside - to reorient our ideas of boundaries from something we install to fence things in and out, to something much more natural.
An animal in nature, a tree in the bush, and ant on the ground - all know where they begin and where they end, and what their territory is without any fences.
Try telling a goat what a fence is for - apparently they are best for climbing or jumping over which is a pretty good analogy for what other peopel will do with ‘installed’ boundaries of the psycho-emotional kind.
So what can you do instead?
Breathe, explore your inner world, do the work to move into your own adulting
[ i.e. parent yourself and take joyful responsibility), making your own decisions, giving yourself the healing and love that is yours. Get to know and honour what REALLY makes you tick, beyond what anybody else might think or expect.
Integrating your life experiences, getting to know yourself honestly and with love ( who you are, not who you are afraid you might be) will set you up to be so self aligned that you stop questioning or doubting yourself, and healthy boundaries are a natural result.
We don’t engage in overly risky behaviours aka pushing the boundaries when we have a level of contentment within, which provides us with the energy for a vibrant engaged life.. natural, free, invigorating and even exciting in a whole new way
Get your boundaries form the inside out,
Know who you are with increasing clarity so that you are no longer influenced and pulled by the external shiny object or fear mongering.
Enjoy the scenery, thoroughly enjoy this experience of being you - and forget the distracting busy work of trying to have better boundaries.
You are enough, and you don’t need to please any body else to know that to be true!
Then you will find yourself so centred, so full that boundaries are naturally occurring and self maintaining - wherever you are busting boundaries, you have inner work to enjoy!
Get bold about who you are, what you want and how your life is going to be - from your perspective. The rest of us then get to enjoy the true magic of you.
Now ask yourself, where have you been ignoring You aka ignoring one of your natural boundaries?
What is something that you could do right now to change that?
note - this likely wont feel comfortable, or you would have done it already, but that is a sign or doing something new, not necessarily something you shouldn’t do/shouldn’t have done
as you explore being you and having natural boundaries, you are going to be loving yourself right beyond your comfort zone and things can get very wobbly - trust in you, and course correct as you need, but do hold off on judging, doubting or back tracking unless you want to repeat history again and again!