My Rebirther, Georgia Hovey asked me a question a couple of weeks ago when I was rebirthing* with her that felt like it came out of left field:
"What emotion are you addicted to??"
It was a framing that I had never considered before - the idea of being "addicted" to an emotion .. I usually think of it as "seeking the familiar" or " the devil you know".
It took me a while to turn my mind around - the mind will not see what it does not wish to see and mine was really trying to hide/protect me from this one.
What emotion am I addicted to?
This might be obvious at times or for some of us, but for me on that morning once I got my head around admitting that I was addicted to an emotion, tracking that emotion took a few more breaths.
It wasn’t pain or grief, sadness or happiness - yes you can definitely have too much of a good thing, just like any drug.
And there was my key - what is the emotion that I ‘get off’ on, the one that hooks me in and binds me up.
The one that is my familiar, that feels so cosy and gets my blood flowing, even if I don’t like it.
I could see how it could be anger, but the truth is while I am happy these days to get angry (I wasn’t always - I can still remember the liberation the day that I freely allowed my anger. So free!) that is not the emotion that I am addicted to in this phase of my life (yes, we can develop new ones, the ego/persona doesn’t give up it’s games easily!).
I felt deeper, got more honest with myself. Took a breath or 20 past the fear of looking deeper.
And there it was - my addiction. FEAR.
Not because I am an adrenaline junkie, although it could easily play out that way.
For me it is more subtle - an old familiar comfort with being afraid in the world and of the world. I was terrified of the dark as a kid, and can still find myself noticing a flash of fear for absolutely no reason. Fear I’ll get in trouble, fear I will get it wrong, fear I will get it right, fear I might fail. Feare I might succeed. It can provide both purpose and a tricky sense of being alive. The opposite of being bored.
A double edged sword for me that can push a sense of more energy running, a sense of feeling more alive, while also trapping me, tying me up in knots and keeping me stuck, frozen, trapped.
What a trip!
I can track it back to my prenatal experience - stressors that my mother was subjected to, and stressful elements of my childhood that reinforced to me that belief that the world is scary and attacking ( you might not hae taken that idea on at all), and my internal wiring that this state was also my familiar and therefor safe place.
Yours might not be fear, but we all have emotional addictions, our obvious go-to’s and hidden stories that we lie out over and over, proving them to ourselves again and again.
Thanks to Georgia for holding that space, supporting my surrender into myself, for poking me enough (she might tell you she’s been trying to get me there for years, she hasn’t told me that yet, but if she does it wont be the first thing I resisted!).
I breathed one it - we did a full Rebirthing Connected Breath session, and I am working through some affirmations to keep shifting the energy that I have wrapped around fear. Loosening the threads that I wove into my psyche with.
It’s been a long relationship, and this new phase is feeling GOOD.
If you want to work with me on your emotional addictions get in touch for some Rebirthing Breathwork. Rebirthing is an incredible tool for making the unconscious conscious and integrative healing (healing through integration), the breath providing the bridge and the safety that we need to surrender and heal.
Find out about group sessions HERE
*yes, I breathe monthly with Georgia as a minimum. This keeps me inline, aligned and tuned up.
I can rebirth myself as often as I like, but just as I may never have asked myself this exact question, it is very difficult for us to take ourselves into hidden and unknown inner territory. Which of course where the juice often lies, and most needed when life is in all kinds of disarray.